Holidays

Well, last night, Justin and the 3 older kids went to his mom's Christmas party while Matthew and I stayed home. Leading up to it, I was looking at the whole thing very matter-of-factly (is that a word???), and didn't feel bad about it at all. But then, after they had been gone for about an hour, and I realized how quiet and lonely the house is, I got really sad. Poor Matthew. He must feel like a prisoner in this home. Lately, it's even been wearing on me, and I go to work, and run errands without him. There is never a day that goes by when I don't leave the house, but most days he doesn't.

He's holding up well, all things considered. He gets kind of emotional sometimes, but he's mostly pretty happy, and accepts all the changes in his life. Lately, he fights me more when it's time to go to the doctor, and he gets more and more agitated the closer we get. He's not the only kid who feels that way. I've heard of kids who come in from Idaho, and they throw up when they enter Utah, just in anticipation of how sick their chemo will make them. Or kids who throw up in the parking lot - again in anticipation. I think that's what's going on with him, too. He doesn't want to go there anymore. He's figured out that they are always going to poke his Port, and he hates that.

I think we're going to try Home Health again. I'll talk to them about it tomorrow at the clinic. If he hates having his Port accessed no matter where he is, then we may as well just do it at home. It'll save us a LOT of driving. Especially on days where he doesn't make counts, like last week.

I've called the clinic and asked for a CBC at home today, if possible. Because he had a cut on the top of his foot that was almost healed, but then on Friday, it split back open and bled more than it should have. I put a bandaid on it, but it filled the bandaid. We've changed them out several times this weekend, and it just kept oozing - for about 3 days. It has finally stopped, and I debated whether I should call or just wait till our appointment on Tuesday, but the other moms all said they'd call. I guess they're right. It could be dangerous if he had a more serious injury and they couldn't control the bleeding. So, hopefully, we'll get a CBC today and see how his platelets are doing.

Back to last night, just as I was feeling the weight of how lonely this life is becoming our doorbell rang. It was the people who are doing the 12 days of Christmas for us. I've been so happy to receive their little gifts each day this week. They have been bringing the symbols of Christmas (like the star, or the angel) along with the scriptures that tie it in. They have been uplifting reminders for me.

It reminds me of my childhood. We used to do the 12 days of Christmas for someone every year. I remember, it was often widows whose children were grown, or families going through a particularly difficult year. Looking back, I'm sure it was a great comfort to them during the lonely holiday seasons. I'm so glad my mom taught me to be that kind of a person. Shame on me for not teaching my kids the same. Although, I did encourage the Activity Days leaders to do it one year, and I got to help with it. It was so fun, and the girls really learned from it, I think. Anonymous acts of kindness are FUN! And they fill you with the Spirit. I like to believe those girls really got something special out of that. Next year, I'll do it with my kids for someone else.

Last night, when our gift was dropped off, I watched a car speed away, and smiled. I remember how exhilarating it was to "escape" unseen. I still don't know who it is that's doing it, but I'm glad I don't know. It's more fun to imagine all the people it could be.

As I read through the scriptures they included last night, I cried my eyes out. I'm struggling right now. And last night was a particular struggle because I hate that Matthew is missing out on Christmas activities with the family. People can't even really come here and visit. But someone has still found a way - a SAFE way! - to let us know that we are loved. And boy, did I feel loved! At the exact moment that I needed it the most.

I hope the giver of these beautiful little anonymous acts of kindness will read this blog entry, and see that they are doing something far greater than a few ornaments and scriptures could bring us. They are showing us the love that only acts of service can show.

Thank you for your love. Thank you for your service. Thank you for teaching your kids to show love through service! And thank you for reminding me the reason for the season. The Lord knows what's in my heart, and He also knows how to comfort me. If I can just turn to Him for help, my load will be lightened, and I will be carried through this trial by angels of mercy.

Hopefully, I'll be able to write another entry in the blog tomorrow or Wednesday to let you all know how our appointment goes tomorrow. Matthew has to go under anesthesia for a back poke tomorrow, but we don't know what time, because they're taking him to the OR since the RTU is full. Wish us luck.