The Smell of a Child's Hair

Not long after Matthew was diagnosed, I started to map out when he would lose his hair. It's probably the most outwardly obvious side-effect of cancer treatment, and coming into this world from the outside, it's the one you think of first - followed at a very close second by vomiting.

Interestingly enough, Matthew only got that sick to his stomach for 3 weeks of his treatment. The doxorubicin weeks. Those were awful.

But he lost his hair twice. The first time was about 5 weeks after his diagnosis. I remember cuddling up to him one day and smelling his hair. I was sad that he would be losing it, not because of appearances, but because I love the smell of his hair. All of my kids have their own hair smell. It's always a comfort to me. I remember that moment crystal clear. I realized I wouldn't have that comfort through this nightmare, and wondered how I could possibly do without it.

Maybe that sounds stupid, because my poor boy had to go through months of baldness, which he didn't want. I just didn't struggle so much with the visible part of it, because he's a boy, and short or no hair is really kind of okay for a boy. If one of my girls had lost their hair at this age, I would have been so much more sad about the visible side of it, but with Matthew, it was all tactile for me. I loved playing with his hair, too.

It's interesting how it morphed, though. The whole time his hair was gone, I never noticed the lack of his hair-smell. In fact, I loved to rub his bald head. It reminds me of a brand new baby's head.

His hair is coming back now.


It's so dark! And it's super soft - like a brand new baby's hair.

Well, last night, I was cuddling with him, and noticed that his hair-smell is back! It was such a comfort to me! I'm glad that his bald head was comforting to me, rather than sad and scary - like I would have expected. But I'm even more glad that his hair is coming back, and it still smells the same, even though it looks and feels different.

I've heard that once the hair starts coming back people stop being careful. I can see that - because the "cancer" look goes away. It seems that will be our next "new normal." And for much longer than the current one has lasted. He'll be in treatment until at least October of 2014, and his counts will remain relatively low during that entire time. They try to always keep the ANC at 1000. So, we have to learn to trust that he will be safe, and we have to accept that it's worth the occasional stay at the hospital in order to allow him to have a life again. And we have to learn to speak up even more about hand washing and germs because when his hair comes back, people will think about it less, but he will still be at risk just as much.

But for today, I'm content enjoying the smell of my child's hair.