Big Plans

Wow, fourteen days since I posted anything! So much is happening right now, and it's all good, but not much of it has to do with Matthew's cancer anymore. So, once again, I'll say no news is good news.

Matthew is doing fantastically well. At the last doctor's appointment, he was given the green light to return to daycare. We can only afford daycare if I work full time, so I asked my bosses if they would consider a schedule change for me. After some discussions, we all agreed on a schedule, and I'll start next Monday. It'll be 35 hours a week: Mon-Fri 8:30 am - 5 pm, except on Tuesdays, I'll get off at 11:30 am for doctor's appointments. Matthew will have one a month, I will have one a month, for the baby, and Allison will have one a month for the orthodontist. So, we'll spread them all among our Tuesday afternoons, and I should be able to manage it all.

In the meantime, Matthew is extremely excited to go back to "school!" He loves his daycare more than I can describe. He asks me to take him there almost every day. The last few times I have taken him to play, he has noticed that I'm the only mommy who stays. So, now, he tells me he wants to go to school with no mommies. He even said, "That's a X," making the motion of crossing me out. He feels pretty strongly about it. I've been kicked out. But it's good. He wants his independence back. He wants his life back. He deserves that. So, we're working it out for him. I'm so thankful for his good counts right now.

I kind of feel like I'm getting my life back, too. I'm excited to return to work full time. In my work world, I feel like I lost a lot of my identity, working part time. I was such a go-getter before, and then suddenly, I was just there for a paycheck. I'm happy that I can participate in projects, trainings, meetings, and so on, again. It'll be good for me. Cancer became my whole world for a while, and it shouldn't be that way. I don't want to give that monster one more minute of my life than it requires.

I had a humbling experience this week. I met a girl who is 22 or 23, and has two kids - one is 8, and the other is 1. She had her oldest at 16, and he was born with a rare type of cancer in his chin. They had to cut away much of his lip and chin to get the cancer gone. He also had a club foot, and went through some surgeries for that. Since the minute that he was born, this sweet little boy has been fighting for his life, and fighting for some kind of normalcy. He's really small, which can be a side effect from harsh cancer treatments, so I think that's probably why. He has a school bus that picks him up for school every day, and they take him to a special school.

This girl, at the tender age of 16, had this baby who was born into the cancer world. She said she was pretty much alone in it. She lived with her parents at the time, but they never really came up to visit at the hospital, which is where she and her son spent most of their time, because he was inpatient more than he was home. The baby's father was never a part of the picture. Even her friends didn't come visit, as you can imagine. That's a lot for a 16 year old to take in. She kept saying it was always, "just me and him."

At 33, Matthew's cancer, which was almost all outpatient treatment, mind you, was by far the hardest trial I've ever been through in my life. Sometimes, I think I went a little bit crazy from the stress. I cannot fathom what it would be like to go through that at such a breathtakingly young age, and all alone.

This boy beat that cancer 8 years ago. And two weeks ago, his mother got the news that there is more cancer. A different kind of cancer. They call it secondary cancer. You see, cancer treatment has a lot of side effects because they literally poison your body. One of the most horrendous side effects is that it can actually cause cancer. Thus the name secondary cancer.

So, here they are, 8 years later, with the news that they must fight this battle all over again. You always think you know how you would react. My instinct is to say I would break under that pressure, but that's what I thought about any childhood cancer diagnosis before Matthew's diagnosis.

We bought our house from a couple whose 2 year old daughter had fought cancer. Strange coincidence, huh? Anyway, I remember thinking that there was no way I could ever survive that, and my heart was so heavy for them. But the Lord prepared me to handle it. He built me up in the years between buying this house and Matthew's diagnosis, and when the time actually came, I was prepared, and I was okay. The same is true for my whole family. It's amazing, looking back at the steps that took place to get us prepared. Miraculous, really.

So, I can't say I know that a relapse or secondary cancer would break me, because I really don't know. But I think it would. I think that would surpass the limits of what I can handle. But, this girl was so strong. She wanted her independence. She kept saying she had "big plans." She still understood that she was young and had the whole world ahead of her. She just had to get through this dark patch. I was completely humbled by her. She just wanted her son to get well so they could have a happy life together. She said she'd give him her own foot (because of his club foot) or both, even, or a hand, if he needed it, if it meant he'd be whole again.

She helped me to realize that I don't need cancer to be at the center of my world. Am I still angry when I think about how little funding and attention there is for childhood cancer? Yes. Will I still work to raise funds and awareness for the rest of my life? Probably. Children are dying, and they get the smallest piece of the pie, and it's not right. But I cannot let it be the only thing in my life anymore. My family is ready for a fresh start - especially Matthew. It's time we live our lives again.

It's time we make "big plans."