With Matthew's ANC (Absolute Neutrophil Count - those are the little infection fighting warriors in the white blood cells) up, we've gone out on a few adventures.
Matthew is feeling a lot better this month. This round of chemo is relatively easy for him to deal with, despite the fact that he's actually getting more chemo. Last round, he got chemo once a week. Usually a dose intrathecally (delivered in the spinal tap into his spinal fluid) and a dose intravenously (through an IV into his bloodstream) on each clinic visit. Then, at home, we gave him steroids every day.
This time, there are no steroids (this is where you hear an angelic choir singing in the background, "Ahhhh!") but he gets chemo every day. He takes a chemo pill every day, and one and a half on Sundays, plus he goes to the clinic for intrathecal chemo once a week.
His hair has mostly fallen out this last week - about 90% of it. But it seems to have stopped falling out, which believe it or not, is frustrating. He has these strange little patches of longer hair on his head, and then some regrowth that's a totally different color. I'd rather he go fully bald. I keep trying to convince him to at least let us buzz it, but he won't hear of it. And he won't wear hats, either. The way I see it, they're for his benefit - so he doesn't feel like people are staring at him - but if he doesn't mind, and he doesn't want to wear them, there's no need. He hasn't even drawn that many stares, and he doesn't notice when he does, so it's no big thing. We just have to keep sunscreen on his head.
Now, for our adventures. Mostly, we go to the park often. Two or three times a week. Matthew needs to get out and play in the fresh air. He's just been feeling too cooped up. Our neighborhood park drives me crazy, though, because it's full of bees. Not real bees - like honey bees that build hives in the trees. These are some kind of hornet or wasp, and they burrow in the sand. Every square inch of sand at our neighborhood park's playground has a hole in it from one of those stupid bees! You all might not know this, but I'm allergic to bees, and therefore very frightened of them. Justin says these aren't regular bees, and he tried to explain the difference, but to me, a bee is a bee, and I hate them all equally. So, the last time we went to the neighborhood park, I decided I'd rather drive Matthew to some other park. So now I try to take him to this other park we drive past to get to Allison's school. We'll usually play there for a little bit before we go to pick her up in the afternoon. It's a nice park, and I didn't see a single bee. Or wasp, or hornet, or yellowjacket... whatever they all are!
We also took Matthew to church. That was something we thought we wouldn't be able to do for 3 years! But we decided if we're careful, it'll be okay. Justin and I agreed that just sacrament meeting would be a good idea. We sat on the front row, so we'd get the sacrament first - before all the other people there had touched it. That way, we'd greatly reduce his risk of being exposed to something. The enclosed space of the classroom, and Sharing Time were too much for our nerves to handle. So, our whole family went to sacrament meeting together. It was just as chaotic as any other sacrament meeting we have been to in the past, and maybe even more so because we sat on the front row, so there wasn't another pew in front of us boxing Matthew in, but it was wonderful. It was good to have my family together there again. The last few months, it's felt fractured when only some of us go.
I took Matthew to Walmart with me. You wouldn't think that would be an ordeal, but you just don't realize how much 3 year olds like to touch everything they see! Just getting the cart made my blood pressure go up. I tried to clean it with those sanitizer wipes they have, but they were out. So the ancient door greeter man opened up the next package for me, but it took him forever! Then, I pulled the first one out of the package, and it got stuck and ripped in half. So, I cleaned the cart with half a wipe. By then, Matthew had touched the whole thing anyway, so I pulled out my hand sanitizer and made him use some.
He was so glad he got to get out, though, so it's impossible to deny him at least that.
In church, one of my friends said the funniest thing. Everyone was asking how well Matthew's adjusting. The truth is, now that he's feeling better, he's having a few behavioral issues. He's been acting kind of spoiled, and when he gets bored, he gets destructive. So, when she asked me how he's acting, I said he was acting like he's the center of the universe. She said, "Well right now, he is!"
I thought that was really funny. There's a lot of truth in it, though. It makes you realize how precious life is when something like this happens. It makes you realize how much you love his little guts! Things that were important 3 months ago just aren't anymore.
Something I work really hard at, though, is remembering that all life is precious - not just his because it was in danger. My other children are just as important and precious to me. I appreciate them so much more now, because I realize how fragile it all is.
Matthew has Leukemia, and my other kids are healthy. But they aren't invincible. All the things I worried about for them before are still present in our lives. Alaina still drives. Allison is still subjected to the cruelty of Jr. High. Mikey still misses his best friend who moved away. Those heartaches are still real, and my kids need me just as much as they did before. More, in fact, because now their baby brother has cancer.
If there's one thing I can impart to any of you who are reading my blog, it's this: Appreciate every moment with your children! Love them with all of your being! You only get one chance to raise them right. You only get one chance to make sure they know how loved they are. Don't forget to give them big, fat hugs and kisses every single day. Always tell them that you love them. Tell them until they roll their eyes at you. Make sure they know - without a shadow of a doubt - that they are loved for every part of who they are. You can never regret that. They are the center of your universe - as they should be - and there is no harm in letting them know that!
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